At some time in our life we may experience the painful difficulty of an ex who isn’t letting us go.
We are trying to move forwards, maybe even dating; but our ex persistently calls over, phones, texts or emails. They ask to date, to just see you, to work things out. But inside you have already moved on.
It feels like pressure; but you still care for your ex and don’t want to see them like this. You want them to be happy, but everything you say to them about moving on doesn’t sink in, or isn’t heard at all.
Do know, that in time; they will move on. Unfortunately, if you take the gentle approach it is harder for an ex to let go. Even if you wish to remain friends with them, you both need some period of time to do your own thing.
If being blunt isn’t in your nature, then it comes down to clear gentle communication.
Give Them Time
If you are receiving regular phone calls, just once say “I can’t talk now, can I ring you tomorrow”, This gives them a 24 hour window to deal with the separation, without too much prolonged anxiety.
Step it out, so at the end of that call; mention that you’ll speak to them in a few days time, state the day. If they call before that day, then be clear and say “I said I’d call ….day, I’m busy right now”.
If your ex is begging you to come back, maybe even trying to manipulate your time, asking favours. You do need to ask yourself WHY you are allowing them to do so.
There is still a cord of attachment if you are running back to help them every five minutes. It may be that you feel guilty, or may be that you like to be helpful. However, you will be unable to fully move forwards in your life if you are constantly running backwards.
We have to limit our responsibilities to our ex’s, not because we don’t care. But because we do. We care about our freedom to be happy, and we care that we can’t fulfil them anymore, thus freeing them up to live their lives how they choose to do so.
As we limit our responsibility to them, we allow them to move on and stand a very good chance of staying friends with them in the future, should that be your aim.
When your partners ex becomes a problem.
Do remember that your partners ex is their problem, not yours. If you choose to tackle it together, then do remember that it is down to your partner to do any direct communication with the ex.
If an ex is insistent and persistent, anything you say or do will only antagonise and encourage them further.
If they KNOW they are effecting you personally, they will continue to antagonise you. Their motive is clear, to split you and your partner up. Never show that you are being effected by their behaviour, even when you are, as this fuels them to do more.
If you feel your partner is pandering or too obliging to their ex, do discuss it with them. Explain how you feel without blame and without telling them how to handle it.
If you partner still cares about their ex, demanding they show their loyalty to you will not help. Instead it will put pressure on your partner. If they need to keep good relations with their ex (for example when children are involved), then you will have to honour this.
Focus instead on strengthening your relationship with your partner. Allowing your partner and you to discuss openly how you feel, find out what their aims and motives are, and explain what your aims and motives are too.
If your relationship is of a solid structure, very little will penetrate it, unless you allow it to. Clear and honest communication is paramount.
Aside from the obvious, changing phone numbers and email addresses, you can also have phone numbers and email addresses blocked. Screening your calls and setting up filters on your email accounts can help too.
In cases of criminal activity, which include criminal damage to your property or belongings should be logged with your police station, even if you do not wish to take things any further. Records of persistent activity should be dealt with by the legal system.
Pre-empt their moves, if you are prepared you stand less chance of being effected by their actions.
Revenge is not the way forward!
Dealing with problems
It’s not uncommon for an ex to try to cause problems in new relationships. If an ex is hurting and finding it hard to move on or let go, they will be experiencing some kind of comfort in the knowledge that they are interfering with new relationships.
The emotions of a partner whom has not come to terms with an end of a relationship can and may be volatile. Outbursts may come in the form of threats and or destructive actions. It is important to tackle these at the earliest opportunity.
Unwanted and unnecessary texts, emails and phone calls may be classed as Harassment. An angry ex at the door may lead to a breach of the peace. These are offences which the police can and will respond to.
As desperation consumes the ex, along with grief and anger, the harassment is likely to escalate, and the more you allow them to get away with, the more confident or ardent they will get.